Uncomfortably numb

I wrote a series of articles about an artist for the museum newsletter. I wrote and rewrote and worked and reworked it, worrying about what this artist would think. I fretted to the point that I just had to stop. I sent my last draft of the article to this artist, and heard back this morning that he liked it. He liked it! (Think Mikey with Life cereal as to my emotions at that moment!)

I said to Sport-o how I'm just overthinking everything with the work I'm having to do lately. I'm so worried about what others will think I'm loosing sight of what I want to do, how to present certain things, and stand my ground on what I feel is right. It's like I've been going to work with a little piece of my heart sinking, heavy from the burdens I'm unintentionally putting on it. I want to please others but am loosing myself while doing it. I don't have that competitiveness in my personality that I can battle with type A's the way I should. For the past 2 years I have been taking that back seat, and I'm not sure how to take shotgun. Sport-o says I should just "DO IT" and get over this feeling. But I don't know how.

I've learned, though, to take criticism, and a lot of it. Maybe that's why I'm so beaten down. I've just become so numb to it that I just let it go, let it wash over me again and again... an erosion of me.

HULK Shirt

I have a shirt that has been worn a total of three times. After each time, I put it in the wash. Each time it is taken out of the washer, I am missing another button. I have a big bag of buttons in my craft drawer, so I sew a new one on. No, it's not an exact match, but it's close enough that it looks like the style of the shirt. No one knows the difference.

This morning I sewed on button number 3. It was actually the same button that popped off, so I didn't have to do any creative button picking.

The funny thing is, everytime I wear this shirt with exploding buttons, I get complimented. So I keep wearing the shirt.

My hulk shirt. (You know, 'cause I rip it off like the Hulk and lose buttons. No not really.)

You just don't want to see me get angry....

Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone home?

My Aunt's cat died on Sunday.
My Mom is in the hospital with pnemonia and bronchitis.
My Dad is home with pnemonia.
My husband is at hockey.
My brother just turned 31 on the 8th and lost an hour of it because of the time change.
My guinea pig has diarrea.
My sister may be moving to Virginia.
My other sister may be going to a new college.
My cat sheds everywhere.
My brother-in-law is engaged and is going to be a dad.

There's lots going on, it seems. Though I don't know the half of it, supposedly. I hear second- hand information from people most of the time anymore. I didn't know about my Aunt's cat until I asked about him. He was my friend and I felt bad to hear that he passed on. I didn't know that that same Aunt was laid off from her job. But I was supposed to know. Through osmosis, I guess.

Then I was told that people in my family are keeping things from me because they didn't think I wanted to know. So I'm kept in the dark on purpose. That makes no sense to me. Why are things being withheld? Aren't I part of the family too?

Should I make a list of things to ask everytime I talk to anyone?

It would go something like this...

"Hello (name- I'll use my Mom as an example)

How are you? How's Dad? How's my sister? How's the dog? So, did anyone die today? How's the living room furniture? How's work? Is the car working? Is the sun shining? Did you brush your teeth today? How are your bowels? Did the mailman bring mail today? What kind of cereal did you have for breakfast this morning?

Uh huh. Oh. Ok. Great. Thanks. Talk to you later."

It is so frustrating that just because I am not in the state that all of the sudden I am not in the know with things happening with my family. I don't understand it. I know that the separation between us does have an affect on communications, but gees. Give me a break. I tell my family when things go on with me. Granted, I may not tell them what I ate for breakfast that day, but I do keep them in the loop. Where's the reciprocation? Bah.

Overit and Underit

I'm feeling really overwhelmed. Work is just a neverending thing. Working all the time and not having money is really sucking. I can't get ahead, just behind. I keep telling myself it will pass, but then I get a migraine and cry myself to sleep because I hate them. I hate what's causing them- stress. Stress from where? Work. So I get up the next day and go to work. Get stressed again. Like I said. It doesn't end.