Too many projects

I'm looking around our office at home and realize how many different projects my husband and I have going on. Some we started and haven't got back to yet, some that we bought the stuff for but haven't even opened the packaging yet, and others that are done or almost done. I wonder how and why we do it....

Is it part of both of our personalities to get big ideas and then continually start and stop them? If it is, I want to change that! Or is it that we have ideas better than we can handle as the time or money permitted us? I don't remember ever being this way- having a closet of unpainted christmas houses that had the full potential of being a beautiful Christmas Village under our tree that still sits in their plastic. My honeymoon scrapbook is done, happily, but it took me 4 years to finish it! I guess I should be ashamed of how long it took me, but it is done.

And the list goes on and on....

I wonder how this translates into other parts of my life.

I spoke in front of a crowd today and

introduced a speaker. Two things happened:

1.) people complimented me on speaking clearly
2.) Comments were made about the new curator being 12.

happiness...

is a warm, cuddly cat on your lap while you're typing at your computer.

Holding my own

I had some small achievements this week. Other people in my profession would think them kinda ordinary, but to me they were a big deal. It's these little feats that I have to hold on to and build from. If I'm constantly bringing myself down saying I'm not doing this or that right, I'll never get anywhere. Confidence is a bitch.

I talked to my mother about the issues that have come up in the past two weeks of my new job, like being agressive and making strong decisions. All of this ultimately led to discussion of my childhood. "Oh, if only you finished that last season of softball before you got hurt, you would've learned to stand up for yourself. You would've been not just a good player, but a great player...and would've put that Kelly in her place (a girl "bully" who was always mean to me)... oh and when you were in dance class, you were such a good dancer when you were confident about what you were doing...and when you were drum major (in High School band) I knew you were afraid to stand up in front of everyone but you did it, you just needed someone to tell you you could and that they had faith in you...." and so on and so on. She traces my confidence issues way back to kindergarten and the whole "don't talk to stangers" campaign. My mother claims that I was outgoing and talkative until I was told about kids who could have bad things happen to them when they talk to strangers. I was forever changed. But---I can't disagree with that. I don't really know.

But maybe she's right about the things listed above-- if only something occurred in my life that was that turning point that gave me the backbone I need today in the professional world. But I can't say "if only" or "what if"-- because I'm dealing with "now."

Not only do I have confidence issues, I also have "perfection" issues. I'm not a perfectionist with everything, but I am someone who never wants to show any kind of uncertainty. I have to know answers to questions, where point a leads to point b, and hate to admit when I don't understand something. It may sound contradictory to the whole confidence thing, but it's not to me. Not the way my brain works. If I don't know the complete situation and have that control, my confidence drops. If there's any doubt, it can easily consume me.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok to ask questions, make mistakes, and be assertive. If people think I'm some kind of barracuda, I should be ok with that. I shouldn't overanalyze and second guess.

1 week in---103 weeks to go

So I made it through my first week as big boss of the department. The place is still standing. I think that calls for a celebration!