Happy vacation

It's not a very good start to a vacation in dreading it in the first place, is it? Ive been going back and forth, looking forward to it, dreading it. The swinging pendulum of my mind.

It sucks, I tell you. I decided to do this to make myself happy and this is what I get.

Um yeah

SISTERS SUCK.


yeah, when you get screwed over by your own sister that's like some kind of line that shouldn't be crossed.

Going "Home"

I'll be going home
seeing my family that I haven't seen in a year
but it doesn't feel like home anymore.
It's a chore that I must do
I have to do it, but they don't
I have to bend backwards
they don't
But they don't see it that way
They're inconvenienced by me
by my decisions
to leave my home-
where I was born
where my family is-
and be happy.
My schedule fills up with
lunches, dinners, appointments
to see everyone
make promises
it's my vacation afterall
when I come back I'll need another one
to recover.
To balance seeing my ailing Mother
who was in the hospital this week
where days before I contimplated not calling her ever again
but then I was guilted back
because that's the role of family
even when you're not "home"
though you're in your own home
that's far away.
To balance between my in laws
make my husband happy
put on a performance
that my life is perfect.
To balance my sanity
my tiredness from a long day of catching flights
to friends who won't leave when it's 3am and you're falling asleep in front of them
but you're too nice to tell them to leave
To balance my patience
with 2 stupid dogs
and the humidity
and heavier air
that makes me feel heavy
weighed down
unpleasant.
Though I'm glad to see them
I dread it too
because I feel in my heart
they blame me for something
that I can't figure out
that I inconvenienced them
by making my own life
my own decisions.
They won't visit me.
Too much money. But I have to visit them.
Too much money for me too
but I'm doing it. Sucking it up.
Or I'm finished.
And the list goes on
I should stop complaining
I should be glad
afterall.