Mother, Mother

I have such Mom issues it's disgusting. I've written off and on about how she treats me since I've moved away. I can't talk to her on the phone without her crying before we hang up, nor can I talk about my job, my apartment, the town I live in, or just about anything that will trigger her to say something like, "So when do you think you'll be moving home?" I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
But she's my mother, and the way she works is that she'll lay the guilt trips on you until you can't take it anymore and you lash out. Then, being faultless, she'll make it like there was no reason for you to be that way, and she'll make you feel worse than before. And that's the vicious cycle that my siblings and I have to go through over and over again. No wonder my brother pretty much cuts off contact from my mother for weeks at a time (but lives a few miles away). And my youngest sister, the last of us still living in the house, is never home. But you don't think my mom would have anything to do with that, do you? Never! My brother ABANDONED her. And I ABANDONED her. My other sister, who is a replica of my mother, is starting to realize what the rest of us have known forever. We'll have to wait and see what she does to piss off mom, and ABANDON her too.
People have said to me to just be honest and tell my mom to let up. That all Moms are that way. I can tell you right now that that wouldn't work. She knows how to push buttons. It's her God-given gift as my mother to do that. She'll put the problem on you. Yeah, every mother at some point is this way, I'll give you that. But this is MY mother.

Remember this song? Mother Mother by Tracy Bonham:

Mother mother can you hear me I'm just calling to say hello
How's the weather how's my father am I lonely heavens no
Mother mother are you listening just a phone call to ease your mind
Life is perfect never better distance making the heart grow blind

When you sent me off to see the world where you scared that I might get hurt
Would I try a little tobacco would I keep on hiking up my skirt

I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind
Everything's fine

I'm freezing
I'm starving
I'm bleeding to death
Everything's fine

Yeah, I'm working, making money I'm just starting to build a name
I can feel it around the corner I could make it any day
Mother mother can you hear me yeah I'm sober sure I'm sane
Life is perfect never better still your daughter still the same

If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep well at night
Are you sure that I'm your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight

I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind
Everything's fine

I'm freezing
I'm starving
I'm bleeding to death
Everything's fine

I miss you
I love you.


It's scary how much this song rings true. I cringe.

Birthday comings up

Ok so last year for my birthday weekend we drove to Bozeman for my husband's hockey tourney. It was -22 degrees and he played in an open, out door arena. It was frikkin insane. The other thing that was frikkin insane was me. I wanted to be away from these hockey people and do stuff with just the two of us, where my husband wanted to hang out with them all weekend. It was supposed to be my birthday weekend, the first birthday I had 1700 miles from my nearest relative or friend other than Sport-o. He wanted to make me happy but he wanted to hang with his hockey buds too. I look back now and realize how much I took things out of proportion. I sat in the car that one night and I cried, I yelled, I think made Sport-o regret bringing me to Bozeman in the first place. I couldn't control my emotions. I think he even thought to himself, "I married this drama queen?!?!"
Anyway, I've apologized for my behavior, and recently, because his hockey team is planning on entering another tournament in Bozeman, weekend before my birthday, these thoughts are coming up again. I want to be "cool" with things, and I think my husband wants me to be "cool" with things too, but he's very cautious. I know it will be thirty and forty somethings drinking beer between games and going to Famous Dave's after them and eat ribs and have a good time. But I dread it. These people aren't my friends. The "wives" of the players have never warmed up to me, nor I them. I have actually come to hate it when I sit with them and we have nothing to say. I'll watch the game, but the "talk" that goes on bothers me because it's so awkward. I'm not a big socialite, but I'm not mean or anything- just shy. I'm not a beer guzzler. I don't eat barbeque ribs. (Last year when we went out with the team I ordered a salad. You couldn't imagine the looks.)
Anyway, for it being my big birthday weekend, I'm not really looking forward to it. At least the arena has changed since we were there last, in the fact that it's closed in. So if it's below zero temperatures we should be able to be more comfortable. But the scenerio I expect will be the same. Now if I could just keep my cool and understand that I may not do what I want to do, I think we'll be ok.

I'm sure I'm the first person to think of this

I just came up with a great Valentine's Day gift: A Heart album.

::::giggle:::::

Crystal Ball by Styx

I used to like to walk the straight and narrow line
I used to think that everything was fine
Sometimes I'd like to sit and gaze for days through sleepless dreams
All alone and trapped in time
All alone and trapped in time

I wonder what tomorrow has in mind for me
Or am I even in it's mind at all
Perhaps I'll get a chance to look ahead and see
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball
Soon as I find myself a crystal ball

Tell me, tell me where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
Tell me, tell me, won't you tell me
And then tell me again
My heart is breaking, my body's aching
And I don't know where to go
Tell me, tell me, won't you tell me
I've just got to know

Crystal ball
There's so many things I need to know
Crystal ball
There's so many things I've got to know
Crystal ball

["extra verse" used occasionally live]
If you should see me walking
Through your dreams at night
Would you please direct me
Where I ought to be
I've been looking for a crystal ball
To shed the light
To find a future in me...
To find a future in me...

Crystal ball
There's so many things I need to know
Crystal ball
There's so many things I've got to know
Crystal ball

Dear Shadows of the Past

Dear Shawna,
I never met you but I hate you. You have set the precident for so much, whether I like it or not. You and your mental problems have left a residue on others close to you that will affect me for the rest of my life. If I show some kind of instability, cry a little too often, or express myself in a way that some might think was not normal, I am automatically put in your category as "psycho." Why couldn't you have been a better person? Why couldn't you have taken your meds and had the courtesy of caring about others, especially those you claimed to "love" so many years ago? Why did you kill your friend? Why those other unspeakable things you did? Why do I feel like I'm sometimes compared to you in someone's head? And why is it mostly in my head?

Dear Todd,
You suck. I wish that I hated you, that I would never think of you again. I'm happy now. I should call you up and gloat in your face. But I won't. Instead I live my life far far away from you, but yet small things remind me of you. But I wonder if you think about me the way I think of you... that without experiencing things with you so long ago that I wouldn't be where I am now. I guess I should thank you for that. You hurt me so I would be stronger. And all those "others" who have come after you, all lead me to where I am now. I should have kicked you to the curb many times. When you peed your pants, when you flirted, when you were a total ass. I hate that I gave you control of things I should have been in control of. But I learned. I found myself after you. I just had to be patient enought to know when and where I could find myself.

Dear Mr. Johnson,
Thank you for making me Drum Major. You gave me the chance to show myself and others who I could be. I don't know why you picked me, but I think that that was one of the most pivotal events of my life and it helped form who I would become. But at the same time I want to yell at you and spit in your face. One thing I'll never forgive you for is giving the Carol of the Bells solo to that stupid Rachel. You didn't have enough confidence in me then, did you? Never gave me the chance. Let me play the fukin suspended symbol. So kiss my white fluffy ass you chain smoking, snort laughing, bald stick man. Go make out with Mrs. Y and rub her hump with glee.

Dear Tyne,
I seriously hope that you quit drugs. I hope your baby is healthy and beautiful and you take great care of her. I hope that you are happy wherever you are now. I worry about you sometimes and hope you aren't o.d.'d from E somewhere and your baby is in foster care or worse. God, I wish I could've been a better friend to you, but I think you were too far gone.

Dear Kristen,
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you are well. I think about you sometimes and wonder whatever happened to you. You were my only real friend for a short while, and it broke my heart when you moved away. But you made me stronger somehow, I guess by not being there I had to learn to be on my own. You can't live life with regret, only learn from mistakes. I turned myself into "quiet one" for a while there, but don't worry, by the next year I was a new person. And I hope you learned to grow and be a good person too.

Dear 1995 classmates of S.S.S: Screw you. Lick my ass wannabe rich stupid snot rags. You never gave a crap about me and I will never give a crap about you.

Dear Reserve A.A. softball team: You never gave me the chance to show you who I was. You're all superficial wannabes yourselves. Just because I didn't grow up on the same street as you and didn't wear the same clothes you judged me. I loved to play the game, but not your petty little "other" game- I hated all of you. YOu made me miserable. When I got hurt you all pretended to care. I wasn't stupid. If I ever see you walking in or out of a grocery store near me, I'll shut the door in your face.


Sincerely yours,

The Wife
The ex girlfriend
The ex student
The ex quiet one
The ex friend
The ex classmate
The ex team member

The next episode of Tea Snob and a RPG/WoW/Hockey Widow

For Christmas I bought my hubby some fancy schmancy tea in assorted flavors and a cool teapot that strains the tea leaves and steeps the tea. Anyway, now he's turning into a tea snob. It's funny because he's never been that way before. he likes tea, but would drink whatever's around. Now he's thinking about what flavors he wants me to reorder. And I bought him like ten sampler boxes. His favorite so far- blood orange.
Speaking of ol' sport-o, I was watching Oprah the other day whose episode featured a panel of men: authors, sports dudes, and Jay Leno (go figure) and they were discussing what does on in a man's head. A woman asked what should she do with her husband who's obsessed with golf- she a self proclaimed "golf widow." Then a light went on in my head. I'm a RPG (role playing games)/WoW (World of Warcraft)/Hockey widow. :::Sigh::::
So- Another one bites the dust. Dust in the wind. Wind beneath my wings. Wings on a prayer. You get the idea.
But I realize I'm not alone in this realm of being left by the curb by one's husband as this golf widow is one too and I'm sure there are many many more. So anyway I told Sport-o about my revelation and how that finally breaks down what's been bothering me about our relationship of late. His response--- "I always make time for you." Oh boy. That didn't help. He's just not going to get it, is he? One time I said to him while he's playing WoW that I just wanted to talk to him and chill out. He said that we could talk while he plays.... oooooooooh that makes a girl feel good! I love getting one word answers while watching his character attack a giant spider on the computer screen!(been there done that!)
Even though I am not a worshipper of Oprah, this show did reveal things that made sense about "guys" and my "guy" in particular. Pretty much that men's brains are set up so different than women that no wonder we have problems getting along. Total clash.

You know what I say to that? Boo. It shouldn't be that complicated. Why is it? We're all human, right? The Powers that be always say that communication is the key, but why does the key always seem to be the wrong one?