Dear Shadows of the Past

Dear Shawna,
I never met you but I hate you. You have set the precident for so much, whether I like it or not. You and your mental problems have left a residue on others close to you that will affect me for the rest of my life. If I show some kind of instability, cry a little too often, or express myself in a way that some might think was not normal, I am automatically put in your category as "psycho." Why couldn't you have been a better person? Why couldn't you have taken your meds and had the courtesy of caring about others, especially those you claimed to "love" so many years ago? Why did you kill your friend? Why those other unspeakable things you did? Why do I feel like I'm sometimes compared to you in someone's head? And why is it mostly in my head?

Dear Todd,
You suck. I wish that I hated you, that I would never think of you again. I'm happy now. I should call you up and gloat in your face. But I won't. Instead I live my life far far away from you, but yet small things remind me of you. But I wonder if you think about me the way I think of you... that without experiencing things with you so long ago that I wouldn't be where I am now. I guess I should thank you for that. You hurt me so I would be stronger. And all those "others" who have come after you, all lead me to where I am now. I should have kicked you to the curb many times. When you peed your pants, when you flirted, when you were a total ass. I hate that I gave you control of things I should have been in control of. But I learned. I found myself after you. I just had to be patient enought to know when and where I could find myself.

Dear Mr. Johnson,
Thank you for making me Drum Major. You gave me the chance to show myself and others who I could be. I don't know why you picked me, but I think that that was one of the most pivotal events of my life and it helped form who I would become. But at the same time I want to yell at you and spit in your face. One thing I'll never forgive you for is giving the Carol of the Bells solo to that stupid Rachel. You didn't have enough confidence in me then, did you? Never gave me the chance. Let me play the fukin suspended symbol. So kiss my white fluffy ass you chain smoking, snort laughing, bald stick man. Go make out with Mrs. Y and rub her hump with glee.

Dear Tyne,
I seriously hope that you quit drugs. I hope your baby is healthy and beautiful and you take great care of her. I hope that you are happy wherever you are now. I worry about you sometimes and hope you aren't o.d.'d from E somewhere and your baby is in foster care or worse. God, I wish I could've been a better friend to you, but I think you were too far gone.

Dear Kristen,
Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you are well. I think about you sometimes and wonder whatever happened to you. You were my only real friend for a short while, and it broke my heart when you moved away. But you made me stronger somehow, I guess by not being there I had to learn to be on my own. You can't live life with regret, only learn from mistakes. I turned myself into "quiet one" for a while there, but don't worry, by the next year I was a new person. And I hope you learned to grow and be a good person too.

Dear 1995 classmates of S.S.S: Screw you. Lick my ass wannabe rich stupid snot rags. You never gave a crap about me and I will never give a crap about you.

Dear Reserve A.A. softball team: You never gave me the chance to show you who I was. You're all superficial wannabes yourselves. Just because I didn't grow up on the same street as you and didn't wear the same clothes you judged me. I loved to play the game, but not your petty little "other" game- I hated all of you. YOu made me miserable. When I got hurt you all pretended to care. I wasn't stupid. If I ever see you walking in or out of a grocery store near me, I'll shut the door in your face.


Sincerely yours,

The Wife
The ex girlfriend
The ex student
The ex quiet one
The ex friend
The ex classmate
The ex team member