Holding my own

I had some small achievements this week. Other people in my profession would think them kinda ordinary, but to me they were a big deal. It's these little feats that I have to hold on to and build from. If I'm constantly bringing myself down saying I'm not doing this or that right, I'll never get anywhere. Confidence is a bitch.

I talked to my mother about the issues that have come up in the past two weeks of my new job, like being agressive and making strong decisions. All of this ultimately led to discussion of my childhood. "Oh, if only you finished that last season of softball before you got hurt, you would've learned to stand up for yourself. You would've been not just a good player, but a great player...and would've put that Kelly in her place (a girl "bully" who was always mean to me)... oh and when you were in dance class, you were such a good dancer when you were confident about what you were doing...and when you were drum major (in High School band) I knew you were afraid to stand up in front of everyone but you did it, you just needed someone to tell you you could and that they had faith in you...." and so on and so on. She traces my confidence issues way back to kindergarten and the whole "don't talk to stangers" campaign. My mother claims that I was outgoing and talkative until I was told about kids who could have bad things happen to them when they talk to strangers. I was forever changed. But---I can't disagree with that. I don't really know.

But maybe she's right about the things listed above-- if only something occurred in my life that was that turning point that gave me the backbone I need today in the professional world. But I can't say "if only" or "what if"-- because I'm dealing with "now."

Not only do I have confidence issues, I also have "perfection" issues. I'm not a perfectionist with everything, but I am someone who never wants to show any kind of uncertainty. I have to know answers to questions, where point a leads to point b, and hate to admit when I don't understand something. It may sound contradictory to the whole confidence thing, but it's not to me. Not the way my brain works. If I don't know the complete situation and have that control, my confidence drops. If there's any doubt, it can easily consume me.

I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok to ask questions, make mistakes, and be assertive. If people think I'm some kind of barracuda, I should be ok with that. I shouldn't overanalyze and second guess.