Elements

I've been working on the writing thing...I've updated my journal that I hadn't written in since 2006. It was enlightening to read about my life back then, and the previous entries. The common denominator is that I have always struggled with acceptance and making friends. I've had some close friends all my life, but as far as branching out, it is a concept I haven't been able to grasp.

It proved to me that even though many things have changed, there were so much that hasn't changed.

I did pick up the children's book idea again. Sport-o is willing to help me with illustrating it. That will prove to be an interesting partnership, as our artistic styles are so contrasting at times. Our work ethics are on completely different planes of existence as well.

A friend asked me what my hobbies were, and I struggled to answer. I've done so many different things, but haven't stuck to just one. It made me frustrated and sad that I can't stay on one project. However, it makes me more rounded as an artist and a person, doesn't it? I'm sure a psychologist would tell me about the issues I have, but too bad.

On another subject, I had a huge happy-to-crash-and-burn moment yesterday. Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day, as Sport-o was being honored last evening. Then, it felt like the ground was pulled from under me. I got bad news that made me turn into an angry mama bear that could have torn someone's head off. Really. That's how angry and uncontrolled I felt. It was a personal attack on someone I love. This instance, which I won't discuss in detail, could have ruined everything. It made me realize that there are people out there that have no regard for others, have no respect for people or their feelings, and make judgements on a whim that are unfounded, unprofessional, and just plain old bitchy.

I was at work, and when I got this phone call, I closed my door and cried. Then I tried to make myself a cup of tea to calm down, but to no avail. I walked outside and tried to calm down. Again, nothing was working. I could feel the smoke coming out of my ears.

My sister came to the rescue. I've kept my family in the dark with certain things, because I'm too afraid to open up about them, but I broke down and called her. The tears started flowing, and I couldn't stop. No- no one died, and there was nothing related to health or home, but it was the personal attack that could have ruined someone's happiness. That was the moment I just felt my heart break.

Being overdramatic is inherent in my genes. I knew it wasn't the end of the world and I knew this wasn't something that couldn't be resolved in some way. I look back a day later and see how I acted purely on emotion and didn't see it clearly, wasn't rational. Perhaps I could have been better support and provided better advice in a calm and collected way. But hindsight doesn't change anything.

Today, I'm calm and much more collected. I'm more of the person I usually am. Pacifist, shy, but smiling. Today I'm the professional. However, if I see this person in the flesh in the near future, the claws will come out.